Just Us.

When Evie was diagnosed, Leigh had just turned three. Zack was four and a half. Scott was working full time as a shopfitter. I stayed at home with the kids. Which I loved. But as all us mothers know, it's a bloody tough gig and often far from perfect. I did my fair share of complaining. Of wishing I could have a break. Of wishing for just five minutes peace! But from that god awful day onwards that precious time with my little children was taken away. Of course I was still a stay at home mum in theory. But rather than actually being at home as I should have been, I was in hospital. And Daddy was at home.

Scott stopped work and took over home life. Took over care of the boys while I was in hospital. He has done an incredible job. He has stepped up to the plate and done the job even he admits he's not really cut out for.

And the boys....wow, they have adapted amazingly. Rarely, if ever, complaining about me being away from home. Coping so well with me not being there to tuck them in at night. With spending their days travelling to and from the hospital, waiting, eating too much McDonalds, watching too much tv. With having a their little worlds revolve entirely around their baby sister. They have never showed any resentment or jealousy. Just love. They to are brave and strong just like their little sister.
Nevertheless, despite all this........I miss it. And I feel like I missed it. I can't get those two years back. I know I didn't lose them exactly. I was there. But far from in the capacity I wish I could have been. I was so happy playing house, you know? Cutting sandwiches into quarters. Building cubbyhouses out of blankets. Watching them play...all day long. Breaking up fights. Kissing tears away. Reading stories. Mum stuff. Nurturing. Growing them, like only a Mummy can.

I think about it alot. It makes me incredibly sad. It probably seems silly. I am so grateful for what I do have. But I look at my boys when they sleep and they seem so big to me now.....where did all that time go? Zack is at school this year and that little boy part of him is starting to go. I can see him growing up. I can't go back, but sometimes I so want to.

The reason I'm thinking about this, tonight in particular, is that Scott has started at Uni this semester...just one subject. But that equals two days....two days of just me and the kids. Me, doing things the way I like to do them. The day flowing the way I want it to. Taking the kids lead, not conferring with another adult first. It's how I like my days. It's how they used to be. It's almost as if the kids and I refuel on those days. We just work well together. We haven't lost it at all.